EMMETT AND JASPER GIVE EDWARD SOME SEX TIPS
by fille avec le foulard
Summary: Emmett and Jasper and the whole gang try to prepare Edward for his wedding night.
1. Chapter 1

EMMETT AND JASPER GIVE EDWARD SOME SEX TIPS

Emmett's Point of View

"Edward, man, are you sure you don't want Jaz and I to throw you a bachelor party?" I was really hoping that Edward's answer would be out of character. While I knew no woman could compare to Rose, the last family member getting married was my last chance to try and throw one. Jasper shot me a glance, he was trying to manipulate Edward's emotions so that he would say yes.

"Stop it, Jasper," Edward seethed. Jasper held his hands up, and you could immediately see Edward's body relax from no longer being under the pressure of manipulated emotions. "Like I have mentioned on numerous occasions, bachelor parties are for men who are sad to see their single days go because it means a life of commitment and no more frivolous sex."

"Hey," Jasper bellowed from the corner of the room while continuing to play the video game displayed on the screen, "we just thought you'd want some experience in that department before you got to Bella, you know to make her night a bit more…enjoyable."

Jasper was right. While Edward was one of those good at everything types, he seriously was lacking practice in the sex department. Every time I saw anything relating to the _Forty Year Old Virgin_ I just wanted to tell the nearest person by, 'hey if you think getting to forty without getting some action is bad imagine if you were over 100.'

"Well do you know how it works and where everything…goes?" Jasper asked no longer focused on the game.

If Edward were human he would have turned red then purple.

"Yes." Edward gritted his teeth. "I know where everything 'goes' I have been through medical school twice and sat through many lessons of sex education. Not to mention I have heard both of your thoughts and my parents thoughts on numerous occasions when you are all…having your fun." It was obvious he wanted to drop the subject, which only made me want to continue on further.

"Are you upset because 'it' exploded?" I could tell Edward was sifting through my thoughts trying to figure out what I meant. Jasper had put down the game and was reading some history book. Boring. I guess the emotions coming from Edward were running high and he didn't want to get himself involved.

"No," Edward fumed, "my genitals did not explode from lack of usage."

"I just read-"

"Well you read wrong."

"Hmmm…I don't think so _Men's' Monthly _always provides accurate information. I'm just wondering why they haven't exploded…or imploded." I thought carefully, this was very baffling. "Ooooh…I see…you must treat yourself to a 'little self love' every now and then. Gotch ya!" I winked discreetly at Edward as to say your secret is safe with me. Even though everyone knew, no secret really was safe with me. I said what I thought, thought what I said, and open book, no smoke and mirrors.

Jasper joined back into the conversation. "You know, I'm very surprised that you have had the will power to stay a virgin. Bella is pretty hot especially in that swi— I'm just saying…" Jasper was cut off by a deep growl you could hear emanating from Edward's core.

"Japer, think how funny that would be if he didn't show up to his wedding and we had to tell everyone to go back home because Edward's penis was getting glued back on." I guess that was the last straw that broke the camel's back because before I noticed he had moved Edward was holding my arm behind my back. My joints were constraint and if he pushed down any harder my arm may just snap off.

"Jesus, that hurts!"

"Stop picturing Bella naked then," Edward fumed

"Hey if you had just waited a little longer you would have seen that you were there in my mental image, you were just behind her do-"

"LALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Edward was plugging his ears and squishing his eyes shut. I stopped talking and allowed my mind to go blank. Figuring it was safe to come out he opened his eyes and dropped his hands by his side.

Jasper seized the opportunity. "Seeing as how you have never had it, do you even know _how _to do it?"

"See Eddie," I said trying to demonstrate one of Roses favorite moves, "once Bella goes over the edge and your still in her you do about four thrusts real hard. They always love that." I thrusted my hips back and forth while pumping my hands to demonstrate. Edward looked horrified.

"Alice likes it when you dress up…you know, like role play," Jasper chimed in. Edward groaned in frustration and I could tell he was thinking about Bella.

"LOOK!" Jasper pointed to Edward's crotch, "he's gettin' hard!" Jasper and I could not contain our laughter. It was too hard. Edward left the room.

"Hey," I called out after him, "seize this opportunity to practice, you want to be able to last on the wedding night," I jeered only sending Jasper and I into more laughing fits. Really, having and old virgin in the house was so much more entertaining than television.


	2. Chapter 2

EMMETT AND JASPER GIVE EDWARD SOME SEX TIPS chapter 2

**After the positive reviews that I got from you people I decided to try to continue.**

(APOV)

Besides Esme and Carlisle, I was the only one in the house who felt some sympathy for Edward. I mean he was a…virgin. Oh my goodness, I really felt bad for him but I couldn't contain my laughter when I thought about it. I mean he hadn't seen a girl…naked. Hehe.

"Alice…" he groaned.

"I'm sorry, Edward, but…it's just-just so…funny!"

"Alice," he said my name again only this time barking. I know Jasper and I were not as…active as Rosalie and Emmett, but at least we did stuff.

"Alice," he barked again snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Sorry," I said impishly remembering that he could see _everything_ I thought, "maybe you shouldn't stick your mind where it doesn't belong. And you wouldn't see _those _kinds of things."

"You know that I can't help it."

I tipped my head back so my face was under his chin. "Just don't use leather, or handcuffs, I remember the day Jasper made that mist-"

"ALICE," he seethed.

"Is all that you know how to do is yell at me?!"

"Yes, when your thoughts go astray in _that_ direction." I couldn't help it whenever anyone mentioned my Jazzy baby, I got a little…excited to say the least.

"So," I said no longer leaning against the door frame, I invited myself into his room and plopped down on the leather sofa, "how are you going to do It?"

"Do what?" His face looked truly confused

"It!"

"I don't want to explain which position I will choose when we engage in that activity." His face looked horrified, shocked, and disgusted.

I rolled my eyes at his sheer cluelessness.

"No, Stupid. Are you going to spread a trail of flowers leading to the bed, then rip of her clothes with your teeth? Are you going to take her to a romantic dinner and then rent a hotel at the Four Seasons?"

"Why am I discussing this with you, my _sister_?" The same expression returned to his face. "Besides," he continued, "you already know what I'm going to do."

"No I don't, you haven't decided yet."

"Oh," he said sarcastically, "when I decide what I want the prelude to our love making to be, you'll be the first to know."

"Here you go," I said pulling my most prized position out of obscurity, "don't think I'm letting you have it, I expect it back, and it better be in the good condition that you got it in Mr."

He looked down at his hands incredulously as I skipped out the door.

"Alice," he called behind me, "I don't want your whip."

"Oh yes you doooo," I sang not stopping.


	3. Chapter 3

EMMETT AND JASPER GIVE EDWARD SOME SEX TIPS chapter 3

"Edward, honey, could you come down for a minute?" Esme called from her bedroom. I walked into the room trying to figure out what she was thinking. She was reciting the alphabet backwards.

"Why are you blocking your thoughts?" I asked perplexed

"Why don't you sit down?" She patted the empty spot on the sofa for two. "I have all the arrangements made so that when you and Bella get there the rooms will be all…set up."

"Set up for what?" I didn't understand where this was going.

"_Set up,_" she repeated more slowly.

"Oh, Mom, come on, not you too?"

"Isn't it natural for a mother to worry about her child?" Her voice was soft and caring and there was not an ounce of mockery like when Jasper and Emmett, or Alice had spoken to me about this subject.

"Mom," I said, "really what could happen to me, you should be more worried about Bella's safety…when we do _that_"

"Sex. All you are doing is having sex that's normal. Your siblings do it, Carli-" she stopped, obviously understanding that I was horrified. "Anyways, I was getting to you about Bella's safety. Here." She handed me a bottle. And if there was any way for my face to look more incredulous it found a way. I read the bottle: KY warming jelly.

"I just figured that with the temperature difference that this would be helpful." Honestly with all the "items" my family was giving me my room was starting to look like some sex shop. "And personally, if you ask me," she leaned in to whisper, "bondage is overrated, don't do it, it just kills the passion."

"Thank you, mother," I said stiffly. If it were anyone besides Esme saying this to me I would have lost it by now. It was becoming more and more difficult to control my pent up anger and agitation. I walked out of her room wishing that I had never answered to her call.

"If you have any questions I'm always here, honey!" She called out after me. I'll pass.


	4. Chapter 4

EMMETT AND JASPER GIVE EDWARD SOME SEX TIPS chapter 4

Edward's Point of View

This was what I needed: a nice shower. After coming back from hunting I decided to clean myself up instantly just incase Bella showed up, there was no need for her to see the fur stuck to my shirt with the blood acting as glue. I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a warm towel around my waist and roamed into my bedroom.

"ROSE GET OUT!"

I had had it with my family lately. They all had been extremely intrusive and they didn't care. I instinctively tightened the towel that was sitting low on my waist. **(A/N: I know all you Eddie lovers are screaming for him to take it off. Don't get your hopes up)**

Rose looked me up and down. "Oh puh-lease. I've seen one before you know." Still glaring I clutched onto the towel.

"What? Are you scared it's going to pop out? Don't get to confidant there, Eddie, it couldn't reach the peephole if it wanted to."

I was seething. "What. Do. You. Want?"

"Seeing as how I am your sister I am concerned about you. Sex is a big step which should only be taken when two people are deeply and passionately in love." She stopped abruptly like she was reading it off some Planned Parenthood pamphlet.

"I'm well aware of the mechanics," I said curtly.

"Oh, I'm not talking about the mechanics. I'm talking about emotionally are you ready to take the step of no longer being a wittle virgin? I mean you've lived one hundred eight years without getting any, are you mentally prepared to make the step?" Her voice was sardonic and mocking.

"Cut the crap, Rose, you obviously came here to say something." She sighed as though trying to remember what she was going to say earlier, an action that did nothing in my mind seeing as she had a perfect memory.

"I just came to give you bits of advice." Her tone was now genuinely concerned. I swear Roses emotions were constantly jumping from one end of the spectrum to the next. I tried to relax but couldn't it was my sister giving me sex advice. I didn't say anything allowing her to continue. "If Alice dresses her up, she will be wearing heels. Make sure you get those off before diving into your…activities, for humans those kinds of shoes can be very heavy and cumbersome, and of course we want her to be saving up as much energy as she can to prolong these…acts." I thought she was starting to be sarcastic again.

"Thanks for taking time out of you and Emmett's…busy schedule, but I think I'll pass on the advice."

"But I'm not done!"

"I think you are."

"Okay, but one last thing, there are these little things that vibrate, they are great!" I gave her a look. I'm not sure what my look said, but I know I gave her some sort of look.

"Not that your…um…package isn't large enough to satisfy Bella," she amended gesturing to my crotch area. This was more than slightly uncomfortable. She had crossed the line. I stepped towards her causing her to take one step back out of fear. I continued to do this until she was out my room and shut the door and locked it, not that she would be easily deterred by a door and a lock if she really wanted to…

"Fine, don't take my advice then. I know Emmett sure likes my style." I heard her mummer as she walked back into her own room.

I think I was going to have to move out if I wanted to save myself from further humiliation. I already knew Carlisle was planning something his mind had slipped once or twice but he was trying to find the perfect time and figuring out a way to word it so it wouldn't be to intrusive on my personal life.

**I personally am disappointed with this chapter but so many of you want more of this story so here it goes. I liked my first three chapters better, but hopefully the next one will be better. Also for those of you who add me to your favorites, and your alerts but don't make comments shame on you. You people DO give me inspiration so write those reviews! Also I will qualify to be a beta reader next month so keep me in mind!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Once you see this I know you will want to hold a pitchfork to my throat. I'm sorry. Winter Break for me is over tomorrow meaning for those of you wanting to see an update it's not gonna happen till the weekend. I may have time do one update for one of my stories but don't expect anything great seeing as how I am sobbing uncontrollably since my life of freedom and fun ends tomorrow and won't be appearing until its time to break out the swimsuit for summer. Please all I ask is that you send me your condolences and write me words of encouragement to help me get through this tough time. Donations are not required but always appreciated. **


	6. Chapter 6

EMMETT AND JASPER GIVE EDWARD SOME SEX TIPS chapter

The day of my wedding had finally come. Thank god. Not only was I getting to marry the most beautiful perfect woman ever to exist, but maybe, just maybe, all the sex talks that people have been giving me would finally be put to an end.

I was waiting in the hotel room for the rest of my family to finish getting ready. I studied the room carefully trying to keep my excitement in check. Jasper and Emmett were discussing whether or not the shirts that had been picked out for them made their arms look more muscular

"…yes," I heard Jasper say. "But after always being around Alice, I have learned that white makes you look bigger. Your shirt, Emmett, is more of a cream color, whereas mine is a bright white, hence why my muscles look so ripped!" I rolled my eyes. No matter how old they got, they would always act the age that they were frozen as. I stopped listening in on the conversation when my cell phone rang. I glanced at the caller ID and sighed. Tanya. While we had come to the agreement that all we were friends, and her calling on my wedding day did not send a wave of excitement through me.

I sighed. "Hi Tanya."

"Why so sad? It's your wedding day!" She sang, "I'm so excited to see you get married!" Her voice sounded genuine, so I couldn't help but relax.

"Oh, thank you." I sounded slightly taken aback.

"Of course, I never imagined that you would end up with someone like her…" My body was instantly on guard again, and I let out a low growl. I guess she heard me on the other end.

"No, no, I didn't mean it like that," she amended, "I just meant that she looks so gentle and delicate, I always secretly thought that you would like it rough between the sheets, but you know what they say the quiet ones are always the-"

"Wait, what did you say?" I sputtered?

"I said she must be good and rough between the sheets." She was obviously annoyed that she had to repeat herself. "Come on, Edward, we are friends we can talk about…stuff"

"To tell you the truth, Tanya, I don't exactly feel comfortable discussing this with you." I said stiffly.

"Oh, don't be such a prude. Now what's her favorite move? She looks like such an innocent young thing that I would have to guess missionary."

"I wouldn't know." I said between clenched teeth.

"Well, then, my good friend, you need to start paying closer attention to your woman, you need to know what makes her toes curl, what makes her scream, what makes-"

"ENOUGH!" I shouted into the receiver. "Tanya, I really am not comfortable, and I have to go."

"Wait…a…minute." She said, her voice suspicious. "You haven't done it with her have you?" She giggled. "And you haven't done _it_ before you met her so your still…a virgin!" She was shrieking with laughter.

"I have to go now, goodbye Tanya."

Before the flip phone shut I could hear her say, "Whatever, I'll see you when you walk down the aisle."

God what was with all these people talking about sex like they were discussing which kind of animal was their favorite to drink? I seriously had to find some new friends.  


	7. Chapter 7

EMMETT AND JASPER GIVE EDWARD SEX TIPS chapter 7

**Let's pretend that this chapter came before chapter six because I have gotten many requests to do a Carlisle point of view. So here you go people, and stop heckling. **

Seriously if there were a higher being he was obviously punishing me for my existence. I prolonged the steps towards Carlisle's office. I already knew what he wanted to discuss with me, how could I not? Every one of my family members had already taken it upon themselves to go into the details of my personal life with Bella, which I knew, was on display to the family more than a normal human to human relationship, but really there were lines that should never be crossed when it came to family. Never ever be crossed.

I stood in the doorway of Carlisle's office trying to take my mind off the impending conversation.

"Ah, Edward!" Carlisle said spinning his large leather chair behind his desk so he was now facing me. "I did want to talk with you, perfect timing!" He was acting as if I didn't know what this was about, but he knew I knew, and was trying to lure me in to his office. He set his book down carefully on the mahogany desk, as if the slightest movement would have me running the other way. He was treating me like a…human. I shuddered slightly.

_Have a sit down _Carlisle thought gesturing to the seat opposite of him. As inviting as it normally looked, the chair now was distorted in my mind and looked utterly repulsive. I sat down silently bracing myself for the speech/ sex education talk.

"So son, how is Bella doing? Excited for the big day?"

"She's fine, clumsy as always, yes I'm excited, although she couldn't be more terrified by the thought of all the attention," I said cautiously.

"Yes, that girl of yours is very modest."

I couldn't help but smile when I talked about Bella, my shoulders un-hunched themselves and my voice didn't seem so rigged and stony, "Yes, I don't know why though, as amazing as she is I would expect her to be very self-centered, but she's the same Bella I fell in love with, sweet and shy as ever."

Maybe Carlisle just wanted to have a nice friendly talk, not necessarily a sex talk, just a man to man, vamp to vamp talk.

"Does, she have any idea about the wedding gift?" Carlisle asked referring to the sleek modern house that had been built for us in the center of the woods near our meadow and not too far from the white Victorian house that I had grown so fond of over the last few years. He might have also been referring to the new car sitting in the garage with a bright shiny _Rusnak _license plate shipped from Southern California.

"She has no idea, and I don't plan on telling her until the second I have to because then she won't tell me to return it all."

"You can't exactly return a house or a car," Carlisle chuckled.

"Exactly!" A smile broke my face and all worries that I had come in to Carlisle's office with were gone.

Carlisle and I talked leisurely for an hour or so before the dreaded preamble to the dreaded talk popped up.

"So about your wedding night…" those five words were enough to send me running. I gripped onto the leather seat and forced myself to sit still. "Edward I know you have been to medical school numerous times, and I don't need to inform you, but as your father, I feel that it is necessary for me to do it anyways…it's part of my job description you could say." He chuckled lightly trying to lighten the mood. He failed to do so miserably. He paused if waiting for me to say something. I kept silent. If I opened my mouth a terrified girlish scream would find its way out.

Realizing that I was not going to say anything he continued. "Knowing your current state of experience with sex I must tell you that you may not last long because you will be very sensitive. Also, they pain that Bella will experience will ultimately make your first time unenjoyable, but since you two connect on more than just a physical level, I think it will be good for you in a way that you are solidifying your relationship and sharing every aspect of yourselves with each other." He said bringing his hands together as to demonstrate us connecting.

I nodded my head, hopping that if I responded he would let me go.

"Also, son, many males are unaware that the opening to vagina is much lower than what many expect but don't be afraid to massage the upper part, many women, especially your mother, find it very arousing, and it will take the focus off the pain that Bell may be having to deal with, I'm not exactly sure how bad she will feel since I don't know the girth of your-"

"OKAY!" I cut him off. No matter how many times you discussed these sorts of things it never seemed to get easier, especially with your father. And did he really find it necessary to tell me that detail about him and Esme? If I were human I would be an incriminating shade of scarlet.

"Now Edward," he said, leaning forward, "I am going to let you in on a little secret. The holy grail, think of it as striking diamonds when only mining for coal." He paused intensifying the moment, and my curiosity. "This place is sometimes referred to as a myth, but let me tell you Edward it exists, just ask your moth-"

"Could we please leave mom out of this?"

Carlisle paused and then nodded. "This magical place is called: the G spot."

"Oh God!"

"Edward, if you want to make Bella a very happy girl I suggest you listen to this. It is a bit of spongy tissue deep inside of her, and when hit…it does incredible things…let me tell you."

"Oh my god!" This time I didn't care about being polite, I got up out of the seat and left not only could I no longer handle the words that were coming out of his mouth, but I couldn't take the images that were flashing through his mind. This was just way to unbearable.

"Carlisle," I said looking at my watch, "as…er…great as this talk has been I need to go pick Bella up from her job."

As I left the office, I leaned against the wall and sighed taking in a breath, relieved to be out of that hell hole.


	8. Chapter 8

**After getting many messages begging me to update I felt bad about stopping, so here's another one, for old times sake. **

"Psst. Jasper," I said, whispering as quietly as I could, "I kind of need to talk." Jasper was laying on the floor of his room letting the sun light stream through the windows and hit his skin. Usually when anyone in the family was relaxing like this I made an effort not to disturb them since this was the closest thing to sleep that we would ever be able to get.

Jasper removed the arm that was slung over his face covering his eyes, only bothering to move because he could sense my anxiety. Becaue the advice I was trying to seek was much needed, and Jasper was the only one I felt comfortable asking, I chose to ignore the peculiar position that he was imagining himself and Alice in. This was what was to be expected when he was separated from her when she chose to go on her long shopping excursions, usually taking Bella and Rose along with her. Emmett didn't spend his time inside when away from Rose, he preferred to be active and go hunting to get his mind off the usual activities that he would be engaging in if she were close enough. But the thought of either one of my parents over hearing this was enough to make me cringe slightly.

"What's wrong?" He sat up and pushed the thoughts of Alice out of his mind. I twiddled my thumbs trying to figure out how exactly I was going to phrase this. He was patient enough not to pry it out of me, but try to understand what I was feeling.

"Okay, here's the thing…" I leaned in closer to him and spoke quickly and articulately so I would not have to repeat myself. "So I was in line at the grocery store buying some stuff for the house so Bella would have some food and when I was in line my eye caught one of the headlines of _Cosmopolitan_,you know, that girly magazine?"

"Yah, I know the one, Alice reads it all the time."

"Okay, so one of the headlines was _Bored in Bed_ and I couldn't help myself I had to buy it. What if Bella was getting tired of my normal…moves. I mean I know we're married, but what if she just doesn't want to tell me to try and get adventurous." A slight smile was starting to spread across Jasper's face. "The article said that most women are willing to try…_toys_ to liven up their experience."

"So do you want some recommendations?" I did not appreciate him chuckling, but then I had to remind myself what could be happening right now if I had chosen to ask Emmett for help instead.

"Well, maybe, I could use some suggestions, but how do I find out if she wants to use them. Do you think this could be the straw that breaks the camels back?"

"You're already a vampire, so I don't think that sex toys are going to scare here away."

"But that's just the point," I said, "she has already accepted so much about me, about this family, and our life. She's put up with a lot, so what if this is the thing that sends her running?"

"Okay, here is what we are going to do," Jasper said, "we'll go to a shop and get some stuff, nothing big, purple, and rotating. Just something small, that can't scare her away… then you take it from there." I was really appreciating his seriousness towards the subject.

"Okay, I think I can do that."

**Next chapter to be posted tomorrow. To get you more pumped, somehow Emmett will end up tagging along… get excited!**


	9. Chapter 9

EMMETT AND JASPER GIVE EDWARD SOME SEX TIPS

Chapter 9

"Okay, so we're going to get in, get what we need and get out as soon as we can. You know what could happen if someone we know from town sees us in that store," I said to Jasper.

"HEY GUY! READY TO GO! I BROUGHT THE BLACK CARD! NO LIMIT TO HOW MUCH WE SPEND!" I could feel the car shake as Emmett jumped into the backseat of the compact Volvo.

My head slowly swiveled towards Jasper. "Did you invite him?" My voice was low and dangerous.

"I don't know how to get there, and you know how fragile those laptops are, so when I asked for directions he would only give them to me if he could come along."

"Okay," I said turning around in the leather seat, "here are the rules, Emmett, no shouting, no vulgar mentioning's of me or Bella."

"I make no promises you know that. Besides having my bro's along with me you guys can give me a hand with what I should try." I turned back in my seat and looked in the rearview mirror at him. He was so huge he took up most room in the backseat.

"I know what you do with your hands, so I'm not having anything to do with them." I wasn't intending to make a joke, but I could feel the car moving from their hoots of laughter. "Could you please control yourselves? My car is about to roll over."

"You know what they say," Emmett was doubling over in laugher, "if the car be rockin' don't be knockin'"

I pulled out of the driveway wondering what I had gotten myself into and we hadn't even gotten to our destination yet.

When we walked into the store I was taken aback by the options that were available to me. Every color, very shape, every size. There were things that lit up. Within five minutes of looking around with Jasper, Emmett had come back to the front of the store his arms filled with everything and anything that he seemed to be able to get his hands on.

"Rose is in for a surprise when she gets home!"

"Shut up, Emmett," Jasper said before I could. Emmett went to dump his items on the counter then doubled back in the shop to make sure he didn't miss anything.

"I don't think this was a good idea, nothing looks like it would possibly appeal to Bella."

"I can only imagine the color her face would turn if she was with us," Jasper murmured.

We were both so focused on the shelves in front of us that we didn't notice the shop attendant appear from behind us.

"Is there anything I can help you with?" The girl was a tall thin redhead, who looked like she belonged in a innocent children's book, not a dirty sex shop on Skid Row.

"I HAVE A QUESTION," Emmett interrupted, I need a toy that can withstand the most difficult circumstances." He raised his brow meaningfully at the shop attendant while Jasper and I just stared out with our mouths ajar. The red head looked taken aback slightly before saying, "w—we have this one, she turned and took a bright orange glow in the dark toy that advertised to have a warming and cooling feature, be glow in the dark, and able to take large amounts of friction.

"And you are sure this one is durable?" He asked

"Well I'm not sure, I haven't exactly used it myself." She gave a nervous giggle, which got caught, in her throat, "is that the phone? Sorry you'll have to excuse me," she said before rushing off to the back.

Poor woman was having a panic attack in the back of the room, and it was very obvious to Emmett, Jasper, and I that there was no phone ringing in the back.

"Jasper, please let's make this quick, she thinks we're a gay couple shopping together."

"Why would she think that? I love you and all Edward, but we all know I don't swing that way." He held his hands up to show his innocence.

"It's not me you have to prove your masculinity to."

"Here this one is good. It's small it doesn't light up of glow in the dark. It just vibrates, nice and simple. When you go down to South America on Bella I don't think she'll mind too much if you use this one." I turned around to get away from Jaspers smirk and walked to the cash register, only to find Emmett with a dildo in his mouth like a dog would hold a bone.

"Just trying out the durability!" He exclaimed, not feeling at all embarrassed about what he was doing. He continued to gnaw on it lightly, "Look, man," he said, "it doesn't even break between the teeth, defiantly worth the eighty bucks."

We couldn't squeeze the enormous bag of newly perchased items into the backseat, since Emmett's body took up so much room, so I quickly put them in the trunk of my car and jumped back into my seat wanting to get back to the house and pretend that nothing had happened. This plan would have worked fantastically if I hadn't been going faster than my normal 90 mph.

"Oooh, Eddie's got a visitor!" Emmett chanted from the back seat as the colored lights started to flash."

"Sir, I'm going to have to ask to see your license." I searched my back pocket when I remembered that in the rush to get out I had thrown my wallet into one of the large paper bags with a picture of red parted lips, and a whip on it.

I tried to get it out of the backseat as stealthily as I could, only to have Emmett and Jasper go into their normal bought of laughter, shake the car and have a bag filled with glow in the dark thunder beads fall out of the trunk. The officer gave me a suspicious look after I handed him my license, wrote me a ticket and then said that I "was lucky to have gotten a ticket instead of losing my life" I wanted to laugh and say it's okay, not even a wood chopper could harm me, but I restrained myself. At least the rest of the ride home was silent.

**RED ALRERT RED ALERT!: ****Guys I have been super disappointed with the lack of reviews that I have gotten (so many add me to their favorites but don't bother to review). So instead of retiring this story I have decided that the funnies nicest most ego stroking review I get, the ****writer of that review will be included**** in a VERY good way in the next chapter. A lack of reviews would put an end to this story; so I'm giving you people an ultimatum. No reviews. NO STORY.**


	10. Chapter 10

**I HAVE GOTTEN MANY PERSONAL MESSAGES ASKING HOW DID YOU COME UP WITH THE STORY.**

**Well I came up with it because last year (at age 15) I was totally unaware what toys were, I didn't know a person could give themself an orgasm. All I knew was boy part+lady part sometimes results in a baby. Thank god I'm more aware now. **

EMMETT AND JASPER GIVE EDWARD SOME SEX TIPS

If you didn't read the bold, I suggest you do, it's funny.

It turned out that most of my worry was for nothing, when it came to Bella. Apparently humans are very oblivious, when they are caught up in their own pleasure.

That afternoon when Jasper, Emmett and I had gotten back to our house Bella was sleeping in my room, and Alice and Rosalie were in the living room awaiting their other halves. You could feel the heavy heat of the passion in the room. Alice knew where we had been and had obviously just informed Rosalie. They were both making come-hither eyes and the lust waves that Jasper sent out unintentionally were smothering. If I didn't care about Bella's health, and her getting proper amounts of sleep I would have woken her up then, but knowing Alice and her shopping trips, Bella was probably wiped out.

"Alice, before you and Jasper get to you're fun, could you just tell me the last time Bella was fed a proper meal?"

The lust was suddenly pushed out of Alice's eyes. "Sorry Edward, we just got caught up in the fun of it all. She got a soda and some crackers a couple hours ago."

If she and Jasper hadn't been up the stairs and taking off—no ripping off their clothes, Alice would have gotten a talking to from me. Rosalie and Emmett didn't manage to make it upstairs, but instead winded up in the pantry a couple feet away, where I stored most of Bella's food. I could feel the vibrations through the ground, and the heavy smell of artificial fruit warned me that that pantry was a dead zone until they were out and it was properly cleaned.

I rummaged around the pantry figuring out what I could make from what was not sitting in the pantry. I settled for a favorite and went with pasta. I took my time dicing vegetables for the sauce contemplating what her reaction would be. A tomato colored face was defiantly in the picture, maybe even a gasp, or an "Edward, I don't think I can do that."

I strained the pasta, poured on some sauce and grabbed a fork. I balanced the tray easily on one hand while carrying a glass of iced tea in the other hand.

I could still hear the sound of her slow breathing from down the hall. I sat beside her on the bed, the shift in weight causing her to wake up.

"Are you hungary?"

Before she gave me her stomach made a loud gurgling noise giving her away. "That's what I thought." A pink tinted her cheeks. I fed her in silence.

"You're a surprisingly good cook for someone who doesn't eat," she said taking another bite of pasta,"

I laughed, "I've had a lot of time to learn."

As she finished her food she leaned up and kissed me. She pulled away after a few seconds.

"See," she said, "I know how to behave myself."

A smile spread across my face, "What if I don't know how to behave?" I raised my brow, taking inspiration from Alice and Rosalie's often used come-hither look.

That night was a blur of heat, pleasure, and Bella softly moaning my name as we connected. I slipped out the small discreet object which I had bought earlier that day, and applied it to her core. She didn't notice that it wasn't me doing the work anymore as her breathing continued to become shorter and faster. When it was over I wrapped my arms around her taking in her glorious scent.

"Edward?" Bella asked.

"Yes…" I couldn't bear to take my face away from her warm neck.

"What was that you were using, earlier?" I didn't look up but I could feel and hear the rush of blood coming to her face. I couldn't blame her. If I was still human. I could hear the roaring laughter of Emmett still in the kitchen pantry, and the soft wind chime giggle of Alice from the third floor.

I skillfully dodged her question, "Bella, did I ever tell you I bought us a house?"

… I had to tell her sometime, and besides, if we were going to be doing these sorts of activities we would need to have our own space.

"IT WON'T BE A HOUSE FOR LONG AFTER YOU TWO KNOCK IT TO THE GROUND WITH YOUR DIRTY DIRTY FUN!" Emmett yelled.

I really wish what they say about not being able to pick your family wasn't true.

**THE CHAPTER WAS A BIT RUSHED BUT I HOPE IT WAS STILL ENJOYABLE. **


	11. Chapter 11

I would have never guessed that being married was so difficult. It wasn't being with Bella that was the problem, Bella was the only good thing that came out of this, but the hassle of opening hundreds of gifts and making thank you cards to all our guests was tedious, even with my enhanced abilities.

"Bells, can't we just skip this part?" my voice was one step above the level were it became desperate begging.

"No, it say in _The Perfect Housewife _that once married you should be sending out all the cards with in at least two months." She leaned back over the table and started writing. It was almost painful to watch her grip the pen so tightly and maintain her normally horrendous penmanship so that it was somewhat elegant.

I let out an exasperated sigh "That book is ridiculous, Alice only got it for you as a joke."

"I know, but looking at it makes me want to try to be perfect for you, you're perfect for me."

"I know you think I'm perfect—which I'm not, but let's say I was, I still wouldn't want you to be perfect. Your imperfections make you perfect."

"Yah yah stick a sock in it would ya?"

I left the dinning room to start making lunch for my new wife. I liked that new name for her. _My_ wife. Before I couldn't say my Bella without people getting rather suspicious and thinking I was overly obsessed (which I was, but that's not the point). But everyone said _My _wife. I know she wasn't a piece of property and I couldn't claim her as mine, but that one little word made primal and animalistic feelings surface. I remember after I told her how happy I was that she was mine she had sardonically said, "Why don't you just pee on me to mark your territory?" to which I replied "I'm a vampire, I don't do the normal things humans do remember?" She rolled her eyes and had continued dinner, not bringing up the topic again.

"Edward!" Bella called from the room next door, "I have a box for you, it's from your brothers."

As soon as the last words came out of her mouth, I felt like I had a block of lead in my body.

"Why don't you open it?" I asked

"I would have, but it says 'Just for Our Eddie'" This was defiantly not good. I took the box back to the kitchen so I could watch over the frying chicken and make sure it didn't burn; I knew the instant any one of my meals went bad Bella would revoke all my cooking privileges. I turned the heat on low and wiped my hands. Staring at the package I tried to figure out what it was which was futile. My talent was mind reading not x-ray vision. Knowing that it was from Emmett and Jasper, it could be anything. _Maybe I should have tools ready to diffuse a bomb._

I lifted the top off the box and caught a note that was slowly falling to the floor.

_Dear Eddie Boy,_

_Jasper and I are not sure of how much of our advice you decided to take on your honey moon. But, since we are the two best brothers in the world we decided to create you a care package. We hear that the sex goes once the I dos are exchanged at the altar. We even got a little something for our dear Bella!_

_-Your brothers_

The second I saw what was in the box I wanted to vomit…if I could. I just know for sure that if I was capable of passing out I would be laying on the floor with the chicken burning in the pan for a good amount of time. Don't say that I'm overreacting because I'm not. What would your reaction be if your brothers sent you a crate filled with magazines and videos entitled; _Busty Babes, College Girls Forget Their Shirts, More Pushin' for the Cushion: Ghetto Babes, and Naughty Busty Cops? _That wasn't it either there were gels, and oils, clamps, and cuffs, things that vibrated, and glowed in the dark at the very bottom there was a red thong. I guess that was the little something for Bella. They were quite literally when they said "a little something."

I could hear Bella's footsteps coming towards the kitchen and I had four seconds to dispose of this incriminating box. The oven wouldn't work and the cabinets were already filled with our pots and pans. I ran out to the garage and stuffed it into a cabinet. Bella rarely was in the garage unless parking her car so it was a fairly safe place to keep it until I could burn them.

ONE MONTH LATER

As I shrugged my coat off and put it in the closet Bella was silent.

"What's wrong I asked? You haven't said a word since I got home."

She shrugged, "I was just hanging some picture frames while you were out and I needed some more nails…"

I didn't understand where she was going with this. "Okay… well did you have fun hanging your photos?"

"When I went out to the garage to get some more nails I found an… interesting box."

"Bella, I can explain, you see Jasper and Em—"

"I love you and I trust you Edward, but please, just get the box out of my house."

**This isn't that great. I just wrote it because I have insomnia (no joke) maybe I'll re write it tomorrow. I originally wasn't going to continue the story but I missed it so much**


	12. Some help please!

**Before you stop reading this because it is not a chapter STOP!!!**

**A new chapter is in the works but I need your help! Send in the most awkward questions you can think of to be answered by the Cullen Clan minus Esme and Carlisle. Example: If you were told one person in the group was gay who would you think it was?**

**The naughtier, more embarrassing, the better so send them in!**

**P.S. Of course creds will be given.**


	13. Chapter 13

**P.S. for those of you who are confused in some chapters they are vampires and some they are not, I know it is confusing but it gives me a lot of room to put them in different scenarios. **

"Oh come on, Edward! Don't be such a Debbie downer!" Alice once again had her mind set, and I knew it wasn't going to change.

"I think Eddie is to scared to answer some of these questions! But I'm not!" Emmett rubbed his hands together with anticipation and opened the box of cards. It was that horrible adult game that had various questions relating to your personal life, and whoever had the most original answer gained a point. I had no interest in sharing the things that went on behind the door of me and my wife's bedroom.

"I think," Rosalie said interjecting with a flambouant wave of the hand, "that are little Edward here thinks he is going to lose because he's too… _vanilla_…shall we say."

"Let me remind you that I am the eldest out of all of us." I added sharply.

Bella placed a hand on my thigh under the Rosalie and Emmett's dining room table. "Honey, come on! It will be fun, and besides I'm very curious to the answers that your siblings will have to these questions." I could see everyone around the table smirking slightly. They all were aware of the fact that I was complete jell-o in the palms of her hands, and that the slightest seggestion of how I could make her happy would have me bending over backwards to do so.

"Fine" I muttered.

"Yes!" Alice squealed with triumph. "Don't think of this as a horrible situation, Edward, think of this as an opportunity to disprove the fact that you are a horrible kill joy who doesn't know how to live a little."

I slid my eyes over to Jasper looking for a little bit of help, but he was staring into his lap not meeting my eye. Useless. He was just like me when it came to who he loved, he was a melting glob of putty with no backbone.

"Who wants to draw the first card?" Jasper asked.

Bella's eyes instantly lit up. "Oh! I'll go." She reached across the table to draw from the deck of cards. The creamy strip of skin that was exposed between the hem of her shit and top of her pants was tantalizing, and I tried to remind myself that it was not an appropriate time to use any sort of seductive moves on her.

Bella's eyes scanned the card and the red color that I was all so familiar with started to creep up at the base of her throat. She cleared her throat. "If one person in this group was gay who would it be?"

"Oh, that's easy," Emmett said, "it would be Jasper."

Jasper sighed with exasperation, like he expected no more.

"I mean, first off he's so…emotional… and then there are those leather pants he has…" Emmett continued.

"Well, if I had to guess, I'd say it would be Rosalie," Jasper retorted, "I mean, she looks like she's straight out of some lesbian porno."

"Hey, hey, hey!" Emmett was pointing a large finger at Jasper, "there is no way this chick could be a lesbian." He smiled a goofy grin, "Trust me…"

"Oh gawd! Emmett could you please filter your thoughts." I said in a disturbed voice, "it's one thing to hear them but an entirely different thing to have to see them."

"Whoops." Emmett did not look sorry in the least bit.

"Well… um…" everyone's head swiveled to Bella as she started to speak, "sorry to say, Alice, but I would probably say it was you. I mean for starters…the pixie hair cut. And then you always are wanting to dress me, or undress me for that fact." Bella shrugged her petite shoulders and the room was silent for a second before everyone, except Alice, was in hysterical laugher.

"Are these really the thanks that I get from saving you from becoming a fashion criminal? Whatever, next question." Alice had to get up from her chair entirely and practically climb on the table to reach the deck due to her height.

"Oooh!" Alice squealed with delight and I groaned having heard the question in her head.

"This question is spicy!" she said, "Who would you chose to have a threesome with?" Before anyone could respond she declared her answer "I'd have a threesome with Jazzy, of course, and … hmmm, I can't decide between Bella or Rose."

"Really?" Emmett said with interest, "I would take Rose, and Bella. It would be fun to see her blush like crazy. Can humans explode if they blush too much?" I had to suppress a growl, and tried to remember that this was all hypothetical.

"Obviously Edward is good enough, but if I had to I guess I'd chose Jasper." Bella said it with little hesitation. I couldn't tell if Alice had slipped something in her drink or if it was because Jasper was taking off the feeling of embarrassment.

"I'd have Bella as the third person." Jasper stated simply.

"I agree with that one." Bella started to blush from the attention of Rosalie and Jasper.

Everyone head turned to me after Rosalie answered. "I don't think I would like to dignify this question with an answer."

"Edward, way to poo on the party." Alice was a normally cute person, but jesus, if looks could kill…

"You can't do that, Edward everyone else answered."

I sighed with exasperation. "I guess I would choose Rosalie."

"I knew it!" Rosalie said smugly.

"Wait a minute!" Emmett stood up quickly knocking down the chair that he was sitting in.

"Oh calm down, Emmtt," Jasper ordered, "remember it's all hypothetical, and Edward is not pining after Rose."

"That's not it! You are meaning to say that you would pick her," Emmett pointed to Rosalie, "over me? Do you think I couldn't perform to your high standards?" I rolled my eyes while everyone else at the table was obviously seeming to be enjoying themselves.

"That's not what I meant." I decided that it would just be best to make it seem like it was my fault and appease him since he usually had the brain of a five year old when he had his tantrums.

"YES! That was what you meant. Rose, tell him how good I am."

"He is pretty damn good," she said between fits of laugher.

"Jasper, please calm him down."

After Emmett was sitting back in his seat Emmett drew the next card from the pile.

Emmett read the card his eyes went wide with shock. "Oh shit!"

…to be continued

**P.S. You guys need to get more creative it seems like EVERYONE suggested a threesome question. Top five questions suggested will get some sort of lemony prize in their mailbox.**


	14. Chapter 14

Emmett's smile was so broad it looked like the corners of his mouth would poke his eyes out. He let out a devilish chuckle. "The card requests that we chose a person number one and a person number two."

There was a loud silence as everyone in the room glanced around deciding who they would choose to torture in this little game. I was debating between Emmett, Alice for person number one when I felt Edward's body stiffen beside me.

He shot out of his seat. "No, no, no, no. Emmett, I refuse," he stated shooting out of his seat.

"Oh calm down, Edward, untwist your panties and sit your ass back down," Jasper said as he slung an arm around Alice's neck. It was funny to look at the two so close together. Alice's face barely came above the table and Jaspers forearm was as wide as her little neck.

"Yah," Alice agreed, "You and Bella are already doing the nasty, you should try to get over your prudish ways eventually."

"Am I the only one in this family that knows where to draw the line?" Edward's fists were opening and closing, a habit he had of his when he was trying not to get in a physical fight. I had seen it numerous times in the linoleum-floored hallways of Forks High when in the presence of Eric or Mike.

Emmett walked behind Edward and placed his massive hands on Edwards shoulders, with little effort he shoved Edward down back into his chair. "Nuh-uh-uh, Eddie," he said with a waggle of his finger that resembled a fourth of July sausage, "you are not getting away so quickly, once you join the club you can't get out..

"Edward, stop being such a crybaby just take a Midol and chill," huffed Rosalie.

"I think Jasper should be person one," I stated. I hadn't said much during these proceedings, so when I did make a statement everyone took what I had to say seriously.

"Anyone opposed to Jasper?" Emmett asked

"I am"

"Jasper, you don't count." Emmett quickly dismissed Jasper. "Okie dokie, looks like Jazzy Wazzy is person number one."

"Fine then, Bella needs to be person number two."

_Shit._

"Anyone opposed? Edward and Bella, you don't count." Emmett was obviously getting a sick sort of pleasure from this. "The rest of the card reads: 'Person number one is to give Person number two a exotic lap dance."

The blood drained from my face, my mouth went dry, and my head felt like it was filled with helium. I looked at Jasper, he didn't look like he was doing much better. Alice, Emmett, and Rosalie however were in peals of laughter, and Edward remained in his seat rolling his eyes.

"Bella, please sit here." Emmett pulled out one of the chairs from the dinning room table and sat it to the side of the room. When I didn't move he gently—or as gently as he could—removed me from my seat next to Edward and into the isolated chair.

Jasper stood up and ran his fingers through his mass of hair.

"GIVE IT TO HER GOOD JAZZY!" Alice was clapping her hands waiting for the show to begin.

My face had gone from totally devoid of color to a bright tomato red in a matter of seconds.

Across the room the sound of burlesque music floated in my direction, and out of the corner of my eye I could see Jasper walking towards me slowly. I was trapped. Even if I ran, there would be no chance of me making it out alive. When Jasper stopped in front of me, the music shifted from the sultry sounds to a upbeat stripper sound.

"Sorry, Bella, but you asked for it."

I kept my hand over my heart, that way if it broke free of my rib cage like I suspected it was going to do in the near future, at least I'd be able to catch it from flying across the room.

Jasper took a few steps back while still facing me, and although he was putting more distance between us, I knew that the level of mortification that was about to be dumped on me was not going to lessen. Before I could blink, he dropped to his knees and started crawling towards me, a sultry smile across his face. He stalked back towards me in a manner so slow it was uncomfortable. The sound of the loud stripper music combined with the beat of my blood in my ears was mind numbing. Jasper lightly pawed at my leg with his hand before pushing himself back up to his feet and circling around my chair, while gyrating his hips in time to the beat of the music.

I could faintly hear Alice cheering in the background. He stood directly in front of me, his pelvis level with my face, and threw in a few extra thrusts for good measure before turning around, bending over and shaking his butt.

"SHAKE IT JAZZY, SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE!" Alice was salivating like a crazed fan girl as Jasper lay on his back with his legs spread open so that the chair was between them. He arched his back, his legs still spread and plunged his hips upwards before his pelvis in slow circular motions that contradicted the rhythm of the music.

In an unnoticeable amount of time Jasper had ripped his shirt off, and grabbed my hands to rub his chest. I. Wanted. To. Die. He backed away for a quick moment turning his head to the side and doing a booty shake that would put Shakira, Beyonce, and Lady Gaga all to shame as _Ice Ice Baby_ pumped through the speakers.

_Girls were hot wearing less than bikinis _

_Rockman lovers driving Lamborghinis_

Jasper did a few fist pumps and foot stomps. "I know you like the view over there, Bella, don't lie!" In a fluid motion he ripped off his khaki pants revealing his tight boxer briefs over his pale skin.

My chest was tight and I was having trouble breathing. I heard a crash that sounded like plastic being run over. I looked over my shoulder to see a seething Edward and a CD playing in laying in shambles.

"ENOUGH ALREADY!"

As if being broken out of a trance Jasper looked down at his barley clad lower half.

"Oh, shit, Bella, I'm really sorry, I got carried away."

Edward was shielding my eyes before I could respond and leading me away to another part of the house.

"Bella," I heard Alice call from behind me, "you seriously have got to be the luckiest girl in the world."

**TOO LAZY TO EDIT SORRY. BUT I HAD TO UPDATE BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON I HAVE JUST BEEN FLOODED WITH EMAILS SAYING THIS STORY IS ON PEOPLES FAVORTIES LIST. SO THERE YOU ALL GO. DON'T GET MAD FOR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS. **


End file.
